Dear Ask Zach, Why is Kyle from DQM's beard growing so much faster than yours?
-BB

Zach: Dear BB,
Lately there seems to be an unnatural influx of interest (what's up alliteration? You like that?) in wheel maintenance and more sinisterly... wheel... BUILDING! Noooooo. Among all the two-faced facets of the bicycle, wheel maintenance is the one I squeeze the tightest when I'm having "alone time", thinking about all the horrible things that people can do to their bikes while I can't see them and hold their hands through the long dark tunnels of ignorance. Like spaghetti.

Quick! Look at your wheels. Look it in the eye. Did you build this wheel? Do you see all the fucked up things you've done to it? NO? Let me point them out to you. Is the tire label lined up with the tube's valve? I didn't think so. Guess what? You could go to Hell for that. Maybe you just think it's a way for me to show off when I fix your flat for you. Wrong. It's in case when you pull your dick out of your purse and start fixing your own punctures you might end up accidently taking the tire completely off when you pull the tube out. You find where the street's weapon violated your tube but now you don't know where the shrapnel might still be in your tire. UNLESS you always have the label lined up, then you can forensically recreate the crime scene and arrest the crap out of the offending offender. Boosh.

Next, look at your actual tube valve. Is that threaded washer snugly installed next to your rim? Oh, it is? Well I still win because you're supposed to throw that little fucker away. What's it going to do? Keep your valve from vibrating? That's bullshit. If anything's gonna make noise it's that damn washer-thing shaking loose and rattling around, which is actually better than having it tight because it stresses the valve and risks ripping the tube where you can't patch it. That washer is a sinner. Send it to Hell.

Is the tread on your tire unidirectional? It better be, the bidirectional ones are usually cheap (In Europe they have tridirectional tires, but they have cute accents so I'm not going to get into it). Some fancier slick tires might have the label on only one side of the tire. That shit better be readable from the drive-side or you're going to get curbed by the symmetry police. While I'm on the subject: those punks making the Gommitalia logo tires completely fucked with my head the other day when I realized that the tread on only some of their tires would place the label on the non-drive, causing me to almost lose my shit deciding whether to have the label on the right side or the more subtle tread pattern pointing forward. You got me guys!

Now, let's get into the meat of the wheel, even though I know you're not ready for it. Who built your wheel? Did they lace it so the valve hole is between crossing spokes? They're fired. That's shit your mom tells you before you even get out of the minivan to your first day in pre-school. Crossing the valve hole is like trying to lace the wheel so the label on the rim isn't facing the drive-side. Don't try to pull that shit. Every time you bring your wheel into a bike shop with a competent wheelsmith (yeah, like Aerosmith! By the way, building wheels is super metal. Another indicator that most people can't handle it) they're going to ask you where you got your wheels built so they can dispatch a request to base to send ninjas to that jerk. And you know what ninjas do. They kung-fu the crap out of people. That's what's going to happen if you pull that label or valve-crossing move.

Before you even start ham-fisting the spokes through the hub you better have triple checked the spoke length and have the exact right spoke length or just a millimeter or two longer. NOT TOO SHORT. If there's even a single goddamn thread showing above the nipple (which better be DT Swiss- those other nipples just aren't machined good enough) after the wheel is tensioned then you're risking the spoke failing. The nipples aren't threaded to the top, so having one thread showing is equivalent to only having half the threads on the spoke (which better be DT Swiss- anything less would be.. uncivilized) utilized; that's not enough threads, damnit. This is important unless you aren't riding hard enough. If you have threads showing and you aren't breaking spokes left and right then you need to start upping your game.

Now we're going to get real: the engraving or laser etched label on the hub better be facing directly at the valve hole AND readable by the rider. It's facing the valve hole because although that's the lightest part of the rim, when you add the tube later the valve usually makes it the heaviest part of the rim, and where the hub manufacturer etched out their logo is going to compensate for that. Fractionally, but it's significant. Dead significant. In the eventuality that you're lacing up Dura-Ace hubs; they went and made the logos on the sides completely unsymmetrical, so disregard them. Instead you need to find the tiny two-letter secret code stamp that's in between two of the spoke holes on only one side of the hub. Which side should the stamp be readable from? You guessed it: the drive side. The label on the new Miche track hubs should be aligned so the "Pr1mato" is readable to the rider, which leaves "Miche Technology", "Pistard", and "Made in Italy" all facing the non-drive. But that's just the way it's gotta be; they were either drunk when they made the label or just decided that being Italian didn't set them apart enough. Maybe they had a design meeting with the Gommitalia guys and decided that "sense" no longer belonged after "common".

What about the lacing pattern? Go crazy. That shit hardly matters unless you're in the olympics so don't flatter yourself, jerkface. There are a couple patterns that are busted though. The first is 1-cross. Why? This shit looks bad because the spokes don't actually touch (or support each other for that matter), and as a result the head-on profile makes it look like half the spokes are sticking way the fuck out from the wheel. Effectively doubling the wind resistance of the spokes. That's just silly. And don't jam a low flange hub with only a 32 hole count into a 4-cross pattern, the spokes are at such a jaunty angle that they lay on the head of the spoke next to them, slightly kinking them and looking bad and being bad constructionally. This is bad bad bad. 28 hole wheels should either be radial or only 2-cross, 3 is too much. Respect your wheel. If black spokes work more aesthetically with your hub/rim combo, use black spokes. Black spokes are also more metal. If your "friend" keeps insisting that black spokes break more easily then silver (but has no idea why), you say, "I'll show you what breaks more easily!" and smack him. Or kick him in the balls. Some people have a hard time learning new things unless you kick them in the balls.

Kyle's beard is fake.

-Ask Zach

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